Fear of Abandonment in Young Adults

Written by, Courtney Deadman, LMSW

Young adults often struggle with the fear of abandonment, stemming from childhood experiences and relationships. This fear can impact their mental health and relationships in significant ways, making it important for parents to understand and support them through this challenging time. Here’s what parents need to know to help young adults with a fear of abandonment and when it can be necessary to seek treatment.

What is the Fear of Abandonment?

Fear of abandonment in young adults is the dread, feeling of overwhelm, or panic that loved ones will leave them in an emotional and/or physical way.

What are the Signs and Symptoms of Fear of Abandonment in Young Adults?

A young adult with a fear of abandonment can give clear indicators or show symptoms, such as struggling to develop healthy attachment styles, having a history of being previously abandoned, having difficulty with separation, people-pleasing, or hyper-independence.

Social and Relationship Problems

Symptoms associated with abandonment issues can show up in social or relational experiences, like having to have the physical presence of someone to feel calm, being in distress when a loved one is unable to answer a call or being unable to manage distress independently. These relationship problems often stem from childhood needs, such as physical comfort, physical safety, or emotional connection can be the first signs of a differing attachment style. They can also come from legitimate previous trauma, such as the loss of a loved one, divorce, or significant change to an environment.

Self-Esteem and Insecurity Problems

Those with a fear of emotional abandonment can exhibit lowered self-esteem and feel that they need constant reassurance that they will not be abandoned. People who have abandonment trauma can seek extreme consistency or seek a “constant” that is physically or emotionally present, such as physical abandonment, and may feel that this is needed to soothe or regulate. If this does not occur, it can lead to intensive changes in mood ofttimes surprise those around them.

Mood Swings

Mood swings are common in those with a fear of abandonment. They can lead one to experience relationships in a cyclical nature – meeting someone, getting “too” attached to that someone, perceiving a slight or a negative in the relationship, and taking that slight in a potentially irrational way that can lead to relationship difficulties. For example, young adults with early abandonment issues may see a small argument as confirmation that they are unloved, or they may see someone taking time with a different friend and become overly clingy or rely too heavily on one individual. When this terror of being derelict is at the forefront of one’s emotional being, it leads to additional frustration, stress, and worry about their romantic relationships.

Stress and Worrying

Stress, frustration, and worry are common responses to the intense fear of abandonment and are often exhausting for young adults and their loved ones to manage. The regular push-and-pull of struggling to know where one may stand in a relationship can directly affect cortisol levels in young adults. Stress and worry in young adults with a fear of abandonment can manifest in various ways, impacting both their mental and physical well-being. The constant need for reassurance and fear of being left can create a cycle of emotional turmoil. This heightened state of anxiety can affect their ability to trust and connect deeply with others, leading to a sense of loneliness even when surrounded by people.

Avoidance Behavior

Avoidance behaviors most commonly appear like isolation, use of substances to escape, a lowered desire to be social, and an inability to seek help. All can be damaging to the maintenance of healthy relationships or connections. As the fear of abandonment grips tightly at their hearts, those affected often surprise those around them with the intensity of their emotions and actions. Their mood swings can create a tumultuous cycle in relationships, magnifying even minor incidents into reasons for insecurity and doubt This perpetual fear causes internal turmoil and external manifestations of stress and worry, making it challenging for both the individual and their loved ones to navigate. In response, avoidance behaviors may surface as a coping mechanism, further isolating themselves from potential sources of support and understanding.

Reassurance Seeking

Reassurance seeking is the constant search for the assurance that a behavior, emotion, or action is okay, for example, the constant asking of “Is it okay if I-“, “Are you okay if- “, “Will I be in trouble if-”. Reassurance-seeking, while seemingly harmless, can become a relentless cycle that burdens both young adults and those around them. The need for constant validation stems from the deep-rooted fear of making a mistake that could result in abandonment. This behavior not only strains relationships but also hampers personal growth and self-reliance.

People Pleasing

People pleasing is when one puts aside their own needs and wants at the expense of other’s comfort. People pleasing in young adults can look like constantly saying yes to others even when they want to say no, avoiding conflict at all costs, and prioritizing others’ happiness over their own well-being. While people-pleasing behavior may initially seem like a way to maintain relationships and avoid abandonment, it can lead to feelings of resentment, burnout, and a loss of self-identity. Over time, the constant need to seek external validation through people-pleasing actions can erode a young adult’s sense of self-worth and further perpetuate the fear of abandonment.

What Mental Health Conditions Can Be Associated with a Fear of Abandonment?

Many people may ask, where does the fear of abandonment even come from? Why does my child, friend, or partner have a fear of abandonment? Often, it is associated with different mental health conditions, including anxiety, depression, bipolar disorder, and borderline personality disorder (BPD). Young adults struggling with these conditions may experience heightened sensitivity to perceived rejection or abandonment, also known as rejection sensitivity, leading to significant emotional distress and difficulty in forming and maintaining stable relationships.

Anxiety

Anxiety associated with abandonment fear is unique in the sense that intrusive thoughts and cognitive distortions people with anxiety experience can be exasperated by excessive rumination that they will be deserted. This can lead to the development of an anxious attachment style with those around them. An anxious attachment style can be a result of someone feeling that they have grown up with inconsistent caregivers – those who are ready, available, and attuned one day, and are unavailable or emotionally closed off the next. People who experience this show strong emotional reactions when things do not go as planned, or when someone may react in a way that was not predicted, leading to negative behavior patterns and hindering their ability to form healthy relationships.

Depression

Anxiety has a best friend, and their name is depression. People who have depressive symptoms already likely experience feelings of worthlessness, negative thought patterns, self-blame for things that may be out of their control, loneliness, hopelessness, and low self-esteem. Abandonment can reinforce these already present thoughts in those with depression, leading to further trust issues or issues maintaining healthy social relationships in general. Motivation to continue or maintain healthy relationships can feel impossible to those with depressive disorders and lead to friendships ending, people not reaching out, and a lack of social connection by and large.

Bipolar Disorder

Young adults with bipolar disorder can have similar experiences with fear of abandonment as those who have depression. Often, those with bipolar disorder will experience actively pushing people away and continue to have feelings of abandonment. This can create an abandonment cycle that increases depressive and anxious symptoms associated with bipolar disorder.

Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)

With those that have a borderline personality disorder diagnosis, fear of abandonment can be accompanied by “testing” a relationship by pushing people away, and still experience anguish because people they interpreted as loyal, and loving were pushed away This may appear confusing to a parent, friend, partner, or caretaker, because people with BPD can feel crushing fear of rejection, they may need support through moments of emotional dysregulation, and can even stay in unhealthy relationships. This can lead to feelings of exhaustion and burnout in regard to maintaining healthy relationships.

What Causes Fear of Abandonment Issues in Young Adults?

Other than mental health diagnoses, causes of abandonment issues can stem from different trauma experiences: abuse, neglect, death of a loved one, change in financial security growing up, loss of a comfortable environment like school or house, infidelity, or even mimicking other’s behaviors who experienced abandonment.

Childhood Trauma

Childhood trauma is a common contributing factor to abandonment issues. Events that may have occurred early in life can trigger an experience or response in a person that they carry into early adulthood. Common trauma events that contribute are inconsistent caregiving (being emotionally and physically available and giving one day, then closed off the next), sudden financial changes that lead to insecurity with housing or food, emotional abuse, losing a loved one to death or other circumstances, or being abandoned by parental figures early in life (we commonly see this with people who have been adopted).

Attachment Issues

Childhood development and trauma lead to people cultivating different attachment styles. Attachment styles, including insecure ones such as avoidant, anxious, and disorganized ones, can cause fear of abandonment issues when not addressed early in life. A lack of secure attachment with caregivers can instill a deep-rooted fear of abandonment that may manifest in social interactions and relationships later. Individuals with anxious attachment styles may constantly seek reassurance and validation from others, while those with avoidant attachment styles may distance themselves to avoid potential rejection or abandonment. Parents need to understand the impact of attachment styles, specifically attachment theory, on their child’s ability to form healthy and secure relationships in the future.

Existing Mental Health Conditions

Various existing mental health conditions such as borderline personality disorder, anxiety disorders, depression, and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) often contribute to the fear of abandonment. Young adults struggling with these conditions may experience heightened sensitivity to perceived rejection or abandonment, also known as rejection sensitivity, leading to significant emotional distress and difficulty in forming and maintaining stable interpersonal relationships.

How Does the Fear of Abandonment Affect Young Adult Relationships?

Fear of abandonment can affect communication skills, willingness to engage in secure emotional attachment, ability to trust, independence, and resilience. Other ways fears of abandonment can impact a young adult’s current and future relationships include:

• Pushing others away out of fear of being hurt or rejected, causing difficulties in forming deep connections.
• Difficulties with expressing their needs and emotions effectively, leading to misunderstandings and conflicts within relationships
• Problems with their ability to trust others fully create barriers to intimacy and vulnerability in relationships.

How Can Parents Help a Young Adult with a Fear of Abandonment?

Parents can help young adults struggling with a fear of abandonment by communicating with them in a safe space, building trust and security, teaching them to develop healthy attachments, showing them how to foster independence and resilience, and teaching them healthy coping mechanisms.

1. Teaching Effective Communication Techniques

Young adults grappling with fear of abandonment often struggle with communication skills essential for building and maintaining healthy relationships. Encouraging open dialogue, active listening, and assertiveness can aid in overcoming the barriers posed by this deep-seated fear, fostering stronger and more secure connections in their personal and professional lives.

2. Building Trust and Security

Building trust and security is essential in helping young adults with a fear of abandonment. By providing a consistent and reliable support system, parents can help cultivate a sense of safety and stability for their children. Parents can do this by demonstrating reliability, being present and accessible, validating their feelings, avoiding judgment or criticism, and creating a nurturing environment where open communication is encouraged.

3. Encouraging Healthy Attachment Styles

Encouraging healthy attachment styles in young adults with a fear of abandonment is crucial for their emotional well-being and relationship satisfaction. Parents can model secure attachment behaviors, encourage emotional openness and vulnerability, promote interdependence rather than codependence, and emphasize the importance of self-awareness and self-care.

4. Building Healthy Independence and Resilience

Building healthy independence and resilience in young adults with a fear of abandonment is a gradual but impactful process. Encouraging them to take on challenges, make decisions autonomously, and learn from setbacks can help build self-reliance and confidence.

5. Teaching Healthy Coping Mechanisms

Teaching healthy coping mechanisms such as encouraging mindfulness practices, seeking therapy or counseling, engaging in physical activity, journaling emotions, and developing a strong support network are all valuable tools to navigate and overcome feelings of abandonment.

When to Seek Treatment for a Fear of Abandonment

Seeking treatment for fear of abandonment is important when it starts interfering with daily life, relationships, and a young adult’s overall well-being. If feelings of abandonment lead to extreme anxiety, depression, self-destructive behaviors, or difficulty forming healthy connections with others, professional support or therapies such as cognitive behavioral therapy or dialectical behavior therapy may be necessary.

If you or your young adult is struggling, our trauma-focused care can help provide young people with the proper care to overcome a fear of abandonment through our healing approach to attachment treatment. Contact us to start healing today.

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Fear of Abandonment: Moving Forward

There are some ways that parents can help young adults with a fear of abandonment. By building independence, resilience, and healthy coping mechanisms, young adults may gradually overcome their fears and establish stronger emotional well-being. Self-awareness is a great first step in this process. Seeking treatment becomes crucial when these fears start affecting daily life and relationships significantly or signs of mental health issues worsen or develop. If you’re concerned that you or your young adult is dealing with a fear of abandonment or other mental health issues, contact or call Fulshear Treatment to Transition at 979-985-3236. Together, we can navigate these fears and take steps toward healthy independence.